Surviving the Festive Blues
Fri 23 December 2011
It’s that time of year again. Christmas carols playing in all the shopping malls, novelty chocolates at every sales point, and our stress levels rising to match our credit card balances. Why is it that such a supposedly happy time of year can have us feeling miserable, overwhelmed and hung-over before we even get started with Auld Lang Syne?
There are some common themes that we deal with at the practice around this time of year, and here, briefly, is the “Holiday Survival Guide”. Don’t leave home without it.
“It’s supposed to be a happy time of year. I should be having a good time. What’s wrong with me?”
“Should” is the problem here. Whenever we include “should” in a sentence we know we’re in for trouble. It automatically makes a rule, and generally attaches shame when that rule is broken. For example, “I should be having a good time” is a statement with unspoken subtitles that play inside our head and, for many people, they sound something like this.. “Everyone has a great time at Christmas. Only someone as bad tempered and ungrateful as me would complain about the holidays. There must be something really wrong with me. I’m a bad person. No one is going to want to be around me.”
Actually, Christmas is not a great time of year for a lot of people. We can feel pressured to socialise or spend time with family members that we find challenging. We can feel pressured to spend money that we don’t really have. We can feel pressured to have a list of places we’ve been to, events we attended or good deeds we did to trot out when people ask, “so, what did you get up to for the holidays?”
Should. It’s the starting place for all resentments, criticism and arguments.
The next time you catch a “should” happening, try this instead. Could. “I could be having a good time”. It’s an idea, an invitation, a possibility. “Could” doesn’t have expectations, and it’s not a rule maker. It’s Christmas time and you could be having a good time. You could equally be having a sad time, a stressful time, or a fabulous time. It’s up to you, and you can cry if you want to. The irony is that, often, the moment we stop telling ourselves we should be happy, we start feeling a whole lot better.
“It’s my time off, and I resent spending the whole time running around visiting family / in-laws/ entertaining / running the kids around / sitting in traffic etc…”
Charlotte from the TV show “Sex in the City” has some wisdom to share on this point when she states, “I choose my choice”. Not as inane as it sounds. We are often guilty of not choosing our choices. The first mistake we make is to ignore that a choice, by definition, means picking one thing over another. Not picking both. If you choose to spend your day visiting your relatives up the coast, you are un-choosing to spend the day watching movies at home. If you choose to spend the day at the beach you are un-choosing attending a friend’s open house the other side of the city. Choice involves loss. You can’t do it all.
Secondly, we “agree” to something, but don’t really “choose” it, so subsequently spend the entire time resenting what we’re doing and wishing we were doing something else. This is not good. We lose twice when we do this, not to mention the fact that we have a nasty tendency to wreck the day for our nearest and dearest too. Challenge yourself to choose your choice. If you’re going to do something really get involved. Be present. Give yourself every opportunity to have a great time and to make a great time for others.
Equally important is putting time and thought into planning your activities and, if necessary, working with others to ensure that everyone can “choose” the plan. Be honest about what you need, where you’re willing to compromise and where you’re not.
“I hate that everything stops over the holidays. It’s too quiet. I start to feel depressed / anxious/ bored / drink too much.”
This can be a common problem for people, particularly in Sydney where large numbers of people work long hours and are overly committed at work. The balance of our lives can become so out of whack that when we are forced to stop work for a few days, we don’t know what to do with ourselves and we suddenly have time to notice that we’re not feeling that great. Time off can highlight the things that are missing in our lives, and it’s understandable that this realisation can leave people feeling anxious or hopeless. It’s tempting to turn back to work and fill our time up once again, but the holidays can present us with an opportunity to take stock and rebalance. Some clients find it helpful to complete a Life Values Chart. At its most simple, this can be one sheet of paper where you list the areas of life that you value as important, such as Career, Education, Finances, Family, Children, Spirituality, Creativity, Home, Travel, and so on. Put these categories along one axis, and then along the other create a scale from 0 to 100. One by one, give each category a score, between 1 and 100 to represent the level of satisfaction you feel with that area of your life at the present time.
You may find that there are several areas that receive scores of less than 50%, but focus on the lowest first, and imagine what would increase that satisfaction score. What can you do to improve that score by 10%? By 25%? What would it take to raise your lowest score to where you would like it to be? Imagine how you would feel right now if all your scores were at 75% or higher.
The good news is that you have the power to make that happen. And that bad news is that only you have the power to make that happen. You can get help from friends, family, colleagues, counsellors and coaches, but you will be the one doing the work. What’s the first thing you’ll do?
Whatever you’re doing over the next couple of months, whether you recognise Christmas or not, whether you’re working or resting, travelling or Sydney-side, it’s a great time of year to reflect on how you’re doing, refocus, and nurture yourself and those around you.
Peace.
Mandy Edkins is a counselling psychologist at Therapeutic Axis, specialising in relationship issues, depression and anxiety, and work issues. She will be available over the Christmas period and can be reached directly at mandy@mdlifeskills.com